For almost a decade before I finally met my husband, I never had any luck on the love department. Like what Kris Aquino often quote, we just can't have everything in life. Like her, I have been fortunate to have a good life in terms of work, family and friends but never in the love department. Heartbreak after heartbreak! It just keeps on following me like a thief in the night. And I'm not talking about just a few months of heartache but years! My last heartache lasted 6 years, on and off relationship that ended nowhere.
As a traveler, where do I go to nurse my broken heart? Well, anywhere I can be at peace with myself...
When I was younger, poetry used to be one of my outlet, I let my emotions pour thru the pages. I just need to let it all out. Writing about the experience and the pain while weeping sounds so sad, but it always work for me.
I just want to share this poem I wrote 8 years ago.. I don't really let people read my poems they are more of a personal thing, so be kind to me please.. haha.
I can feel the pain
It plunges deep into my soul.
I am such a failure.
I am an alien in my own world,
Don’t I belong here?
I want to run away and hide
And be alone
In a place where nobody cares..
To be forever silent and invisible,
To live alone and need no one,
To be at peace with myself,
And finally understand... me.
I opened my mouth to speak
But nobody listened
I made an attempt for humor but nobody laughed
I tried to explain
But nobody cared.
With every success, equals twofold of failure
For every smile, equals threefold of tears
For every endeavor equals more perseverance
For every love means double heartache.
What’s the joy in life without his smile?
What’s the use of my voice if he is not there to listen?
What’s the use of smiling when he is not there to see?
What’s the use of my life without him beside me?
I made the poem above inspired by my second heartache, I was still a struggling employee then, traveling was still foreign to me. But my third heartache taught me to travel.
|4 years ago.. a week of alone time to mend my broken heart at Phuket, Thailand|
I can still recall the first time I did travel alone, I went to Phuket Thailand (picture above, separate blog about Phuket trip here) for a 1 week to nurse my broken heart. My then boyfie wasn't able to go with me as planned (for the nth time). I was devastated, all I did the whole week? Walked the whole stretch of Bantao Beach every morning, model my 2 pc swimsuits in public for the whole week without a care in the world for the first time in my life, read the tons of books I brought with me while sitting on the beach front or pool side, ate all the food I can grab on, enjoyed the numerous swimming pools of the resort all to myself (it was off peak season and not much tourist during that time), took pictures of anything under the sun, tried all the spa service of the resort, watched cartoon channel till wee hours in the morning, and listened to love songs while I weep!
|my 1 week alone trip to Boracay|
Picture on the right, is my alone 1 week trip to Boracay. Well call me stupid but I never learned, I invited the same guy to spend my 35th birthday with me. Gave him my Boracay trip itinerary, etc etc and hoping he will surprise me. But alas, same story.. he never came. So there was I and the whole week ahead of me. I tried not to wallow in self pity so I did try everything the island has to offer, visited almost all the beaches, enjoyed the food and joined any tour group activities, enjoyed walking on the beach early morning and at dusk just people watching and snapping some photos.I even took that sailing thingy that almost got me killed (check my sailing adventure gone wrong here), got tired of Boracay and even went to Caticlan! And oh I also made that stupid thing of wasting a day going out of Catclan just to look for a waterfall! hehe... that's my way of mending.
For my 1 week trip to Coron, I got desperate! I'm turning 36 and still single!! I decided to invite a suitor to spend a week with me for this trip, but... I chickened out. ( A week with a stranger! what if I will not like him? what if he is a rapist???) Last minute I backed out and I know how irresponsible I've been, well the guy applied for a 1 week leave from work, bought round trip plane tickets from SG to Manila to Coron then afterwards is pretty me, saying " Sorry but I changed my mind.." So I just decided go ahead alone, so off to Coron to mend my "again" broken heart not because a guy broke it but because I did. The whole week I was like asking myself, what if he's my prince charming? What if he's "the one" given by God, did I just say no to a good future? So for the whole week, I was back to questioning myself and feeling sorry for myself and hating all my exes for leaving me.. hehe. Of course explored the place to my heart content! Check my Coron trip adventures here.
After almost a decade I am better now but I can say the process of letting go has not been an easy journey. There are a lot of ways to cope, just take your time and stop blaming yourself for the things that cannot be undone. Nobody said life is easy, let us just take it one step at a time and don't forget to breath!
My adventures because of my heartaches can go on and on, those mentioned above are just "selections" (yeah ganun kadami.. haha), well these things I've experienced as I realized while writing this post are somehow blessings in disguise. It made me braver to explore not only places but me. In the process of mending my broken heart I found me. After my last alone trip I finally gave up, not on life but on putting too much barricade on myself. I just let go and guess what, the guy I rejected for my Coron trip, to my amazement he stayed. After I said my apology for being so irresponsible, he went home from overseas and spent weeks formally courting me. He came, swept me off my feet and we got married after 4 months! Hey I'm not yet done.. and we're having a baby soon!! See, there's a silver lining out there, just be patient, enjoy your life to the fullest and everything will just fall into place.
This post is my contribution to Pinoy Travel Bloggers’ Blog Carnival.
with the theme: “Where do broken hearts go?” hosted by Rain Amantiad-Campanilla of RakistangNars.